Living with Someone with a Personality Disorder
Being connected to someone with a personality disorder can leave wounds. Personality disorders demonstrate distorted thinking patterns, problematic emotional responses, impulse control issues and significant interpersonal issues. There are 3 different clusters of personality disorders but they all stem from deep, deep insecurity that are externalized in different ways.
These deep insecurities bring out pathological behaviors to get their voided needs met. For example, someone who demonstrates traits of borderline personality disorder, may call you in the middle of the night threatening to kill themselves. Their need: that they want to be seen. To be attended to. But the way they are doing it is harmful. The way they are doing it may get the attention they are looking for in that moment, but in the end this instability will inevitably wreck their relationships.
I would argue 99.9% of personality disorders originated from some form of traumatic experiences. This is not to excuse the behavior, but it can be helpful to understand better so we know how to stay safe. I would also argue they experienced disrupted attachment with their parental figures. Like a neglected baby who was left to fend for themselves. They learnt at an early age that other people are not safe. They are not able to fully connect emotionally to others. And this impacts how they treat and think of other people.
Your sense of self and cognition will be called into question. When you call them out for a behavior. You will be told things like “you’re overly sensitive” or “only idiots would think that way”. With these disorders, they are not able to have the empathy to understand that others think and feel differently. And with that, their way of thinking is the only way that is acceptable. Their thinking is often “black and white” and rigid. They do not demonstrate thoughts within the gray area that most people do. Things are either terrible or amazing. There’s no in between.
Your gray thinking will dismantle them. They will fight it. It is not something that they can comprehend. They may bully you into thinking that black and white is the only way to see. Gray does not exist and you are stupid or incompetent if you think any other way. Growing up with this framework, is baffling. Your parent is telling you that everything is black and white. But as you grow older, you see gray. You see color.
This is a form of psychological abuse. Gas lighting. Gas lighting is where you are being manipulated into questioning your own sanity. Where you are being bullied into believing that your way of life is ridiculous and that the only way is the pathological way.
But what if this person is your mother? Husband? Sister? Does that mean the only way to be safe is to cut them off?
Well, I mean, I’m biased but either way, see a therapist. Having someone who is objective and can support you in trusting yourself and your own intuition is vital. Make new healthy relationships and build your support system. It is the way you can survive and process this relationship.
What I always go back to is safety. What keeps you safe? Both physically and emotionally. Trusting your mind and body is essential and will help with your healing. Psychological abuse is a silent and abstract form of abuse. It’s an emotional scar that is not seen. It is still a form of trauma that needs to be processed.
Phew! That was heavy. Take some time for your own self-compassion today. If this was triggering, check in with your therapist or your support system. My song of the week is here! Chinatown by Bleachers featuring Bruce Springsteen. Dance it out, y’all.
