How Do I Help My Friend Through Trauma?

A fear amongst trauma survivors is often how others will respond when they disclose their history. There is shame, guilt and low self-worth that survivors carry with them. Sharing their experiences is terrifying. Culture does not respond well to trauma. It has normalized disregarding survivors and blaming them. How you respond can be restorative or destructive.

Let’s process together how you can be that support.

Let’s take a step back and reflect.

Why am I doing this?

We all want to be a good friend. To support our friends, we need to put our own oxygen masks on. Meaning, we cannot support friends when we are running on empty. Reflect on motives. Is this coming from a place of love? Often, trauma survivors learn special skills – I like to call “spidey senses”. They read people especially well. They’ve had to learn these skills to survive. They will pick up on our intent and if it is not in the right place, it will be more harmful than helpful.

Will this trigger my own trauma?

Hearing someone else’s trauma can be extremely triggering. When we have not dealt with our trauma, we remain in “danger mode”. We still feel under attack and when we become triggered, we will hurt, scorn and attack back. We may react in anger. Dismissal. Or worse, not believe them. These responses stem from our own history rather than the survivor who is brave enough to voice their story.

Trauma survivors are wonderful advocates. They will be able to understand more than anyone. But how did they get there? Their oxygen mask: they engaged in their own treatment and built a support system around them. These are necessary steps to take to be able to recover. If we have experienced our own trauma and want to assist others, we need to find a therapist we trust. Therapy is a powerful tool for us to help others.

 What has helped me in the past?

As a friend, it is helpful to share your own experiences. Share what has helped you. Be honest about your own struggles; sharing in your hardships reminds us we are not alone. Reassure your friend that experiences are not to be compared. Share that you will be with them along the way. Take time to listen and stay focused. This is not the time to look at your notifications! This is a time to connect.

The next step would be to encourage your friend to receive treatment. You play an essential role as their friend. Someone with whom they can go out to dinner. Share life together. Laugh. Not be their therapist. Playing this role can actually be harmful. They need very specific and dedicated work to heal. Holding this place as a pseudo-therapist is giving them a false sense of recovery. They will go backwards.

You help them by being their friend. Trust your own ability in that.

Song of the Week! Good Things Fall Apart (with Jon Bellion) - ILLENIUM