The Loss of a Pet

I recently lost my cat, Toby and I thought this would be an opportunity to process together the feelings and thoughts that come with this loss. For many of us, our pets are wonderful companions. Especially during this pandemic. I’ve heard animal shelters have run out of pets with such high adoption rates in 2020! I realized that maybe one of the only positive aspects of this pandemic was being able to spend extra time with my animals. I like to think they were happy about it too.

Toby was the first pet that was my own. He was one of the first independent decisions I made. We grew together throughout college, graduate school and into adult life. He was just a tiny kitten when I got him and we both went through a lot together. Toby inspired me to add more pets to my family – I also have another cat named Luna and my dog, Bella. It was a humbling experience owning Toby - I would often be out-smarted by him. He knew how to open doors and would make sure to keep me tidy by knocking any glass left out. He figured out how to open cabinets with child-locks on them! Ridiculous. He was loud and honestly, the biggest character in the house. He is dearly missed and it is difficult to comprehend continuing to move through life without him.

Animals have a special connection to us and they become part of our family - our safe haven. I found myself worrying that my home would no longer feel like a safe place. The idea of continuing to stay home without him during this pandemic, felt daunting.  

Toby had a heart condition which we found out a year prior. We were told by the vets that this condition would inevitably shorten his life but there was no way to know the timeline. It could be a few months or a few years. We had one more year with Toby after we received the diagnosis. He showed no signs of any abnormal or concerning behaviors until the last second when we rushed him to the vet hospital. He had a clot which effected his ability to walk and he was in a lot of pain. 

The first few days after his passing, the images of his euthanasia were plastered in my mind. I couldn’t sleep that first night. I woke up every hour in a panic and with such deep grief. I wasn’t prepared for how traumatic the whole experience would be. There was nothing peaceful about it.

Through this grief, I recognized how essential my support system is. I am so grateful for my friends, coworkers and family who supported me. They gave me space to process and talk about my grief, helping me feel a little better each time I shared. I am thankful for the people in my life who gave me the space to share my sadness and who understood and validated my grief.

Grief is grief. Even if it is the loss of a fur baby. It doesn’t help to pretend it’s not there. I’ve been able to move forward because I’ve allowed myself to feel the darkness of my sadness when it comes. Let it wash over me and to feel the pain of his absence. I am mindful of the pain he has left behind. That just means he meant a lot to me and he was dearly loved.